My year of physical or rather pain endurance continues. In case you haven't heard, my back is doing great, I'm over my 4 week stomach virus and now I'm sitting writing with a hot-water bottle to my face in a vain attempt to ease the pain. Yep, toothache ... actually post-tooth extraction ache/agony. Last week I had emergency surgery to extract three wisdom teeth. Ouchies.
Talk about having your head in a vice-like grip. The last week has been a haze of drugs, salt and water mouth washes, and protein shakes (ok ... and ice-cream too!). My face rose up until my chin disappeared and The Beloved renamed me Alvin. Thankfully my chin has returned, but I now have a lisp, thanks to my still numb jaw, and some very attractive bruising which is drawing stares of pity when I venture to the pharmacy.
I'm so ready to be better! I've things to be doing, people to see, places to visit! These things all seem so much more important than taking the time to heal. I seem to have taken on the "C'mon hurry up!" approach to healing; demanding that it happens quickly so I can get on with life.
I wonder what would happen if I cut myself some slack and allowed me time to heal? What if I took time to rest, to be peaceful, to be kind and gentle to me?
None of us like to suffer, we want the pain over quickly. But sometimes life gives us aches which linger. The unrealized dreams, the broken promises, the fragmented relationships, the loss of a beloved ... insert your wound of choice. These don't heal with a week of pills. The pain just keeps on going. Oh, you learn to bury the source and you can function very well in everyday life; until something or someone pulls of the scab.
I tend to get angry with myself when the bleeding restarts. There's this internal dialogue that says I'm supposed to be over that; I'm supposed to be full of grace, compassion and love, not bitterness, anger and resentment; I'm supposed to be healed. This dialogue only succeeds in making me bleed more.
I think I'm starting to learn that it's ok to show myself mercy and grace. If I need space to grieve when the scab comes off, that's ok. It doesn't make me an awful person nor will I lose my testimony if I need some time to weep. If I need to rest and be peaceful, if I need to take time to myself with the Great Physician, remove myself from situations that are pressing on my wounds, that's ok.
So, if you don't mind, I'm going to give myself some time to heal ....
