Love and Marriage: The Beloved

Today's the day. Fifteen years ago I said "I will" and started on this life changing adventure. If you'd asked me then where we would be in 15 years time,  I would never have said that we'd be living in America with a 21 month old daughter of Marshallese descent; pastoring a church in Washington DC and the renters of a lovely home in Alexandria, VA. I could only have dreamt of the address book of incredible family and friends we have all over the world - they love us unconditionally, hold up our arms when we are weak and cheer lead us to run our race well.

There is also no way I could have imagined how well Richard, The Beloved, would love, know and care for me. He is a man of deep faith and conviction who passionately loves the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. He adores me and Miss O and serves us tirelessly. If he could he would give us the earth, moon and stars he would. Richard knows my dreams and failures, desires and flatsides; he knows what to say to encourage and enrage me!

We've grown into each other over the past 21 years of being a couple, finishing each others thoughts, sensing each others hesitancy and joy. There is no one else I'd rather do this life with than Richard. He is my gift from God, my one and only. No matter the course of this life this much I know:

"Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away."

Song of Songs 8 v7

Thank-you Beloved for being you and loving me.

Love and Marriage: Bearing Witness - Guest Contributor!

I'm delighted to introduce my first guest contributor - Naomi Washatka of Beside Every Bride. Her website has fantastic advice and really creative ideas for bridesmaids - it's well worth a look.

"This past weekend I served as a witness at a stunning wedding. The wedding was held in a beautiful Presbyterian church, with stained glass windows and a long center aisle. I was enchanted by the romance and the majesty of it all.

I often joke about being a professional bridesmaid, but at this wedding I was merely a spectator, serving more as a plus one and encouragement to one of the groomsmen. Without the pressure to stand appropriately (and not faint), or to smooth the bride’s dress, I was able to reflect on the words that were being exchanged and the homily delivered by the pastor. My eyes welled up with tears during the ceremony, and at the most surprising times.

At one point during the liturgy, the pastor had the couple turn to the congregation to look upon the “great cloud of witnesses” gathered to celebrate with and support them in their commitment to one another. As they turned to look at us, it occurred to me in a new way that the wedding ceremony is not just a commitment between the couple, but it is a time for the congregation to make a commitment to the couple. The congregation gathers as the first witnesses to this covenant, but we all now have a tie to the couple in a way not known prior to the ceremony. As someone who barely knows the couple, I refrained from making these promises this weekend, as I see great meaning in and take seriously the commitment.

Many liturgical services identify the congregation’s role as one that is to be prayerful, always rejoicing and giving thanks to God for the couple and for the gift of marriage. We rejoice that marriage is given by God, blessed by our Lord Jesus Christ, and sustained by the Holy Spirit. Most services give a charge to the congregation, to “let marriage be held in honor by all.” This commitment does not stop at the ceremony; we hold fast to the promises we make to the couple as they hold fast to each other and to God.

In December I will stand as a bridesmaid for the tenth time—my tenth wedding where I have taken my own vows to the couple and to the congregation. Five, ten, fifty years later, I will still cling to the promises I made along with the couple on their wedding day. God gives the couple the gift of marriage, but he also gives the community and the congregation—and the bridal party—the ability to celebrate and grow and delight in this new couple. I stand as a witness to their love, to throw showers and carry flowers, but more importantly, as a bridesmaid, it is my role to uphold the promises I professed. I vow to encourage the couple in sickness and in health, I promise to give thanks to God for their commitment to one another, and I promise to protect them, “for what God has brought together, no (wo)man shall tear apart.”

As the summer wedding season will soon come to an end, let us not forget the promises we’ve made as witnesses in the congregation and as friends in the bridal party. Let us celebrate with friends who are hitting martial milestones and let us comfort those who have known easier days. Let us honor marriage in the ways we remember and encourage these couples. Let us allow the promises we’ve made to compel us to bless and give thanks."

Love and Marriage: Conversation

When you are dating you are very careful about what you say. Your language is gushing and complimentary. You’re in awe of your partner, spending hours on the phone, snatching any piece of conversation you can.

Then you get married.

After the wedding and honeymoon debriefs are over life settles into routine. The conversation becomes about logistics, bills, trash, cleaning, cooking, in-laws and out-laws dynamics, your space and my space. At the end of a hard day silent absorption in individual screen time is all you have energy for. 

Harvard professor Stanley Cavell in his ’Pursuits of Happiness: The Hollywood Comedy of Remarriage’ asserts that ‘happy conversation is the chiefest and noblest end of marriage’. Rather than the hurried stanza of courtship stalling in silent exhaustion, marriage opens up the opportunity for compelling communion. Somehow we've got to find or choose ways to keep the conversation going with our spouse.

I once read a blog comment from an anonymous widow who described her husband's death after 44 years of marriage as him being taken from her in the middle of a fascinating sentence. Beautiful. This is my longing for my marriage: that The Beloved and I would always want to hang on each other's sentences; that we would never tire of the stories we've heard numerous times before; and that we'd always cherish the open spaces to dream.

Robert Louis Stephenson described marriage as:
    ‘ One long conversation, checkered by disputes. Two persons more and more adapt
      their notions one to suit the other and in process of time, without sound of trumpet,
      they conduct each other into new worlds of thought. ’

May you find new worlds with your spouse through your fascinating tender conversations. 

Love and Marriage: Still small voice

Yesterday I sat down to write my blog much later in the day than usual. I'd spent the day playing in DC (more about that another day!) and so it was 8pm before I got a chance to write. Before starting I usually take a moment to pause, breath, pray and invite the Holy Spirit to prompt me. Last night's prompt - Watermelon. Ok then. It kinda made sense - it's summer, Miss O loves watermelon, I love watermelon, I adore watermelon and feta - voila! A blog post was born.

We currently have a dear friend from Northern Ireland staying with us and over breakfast this morning she casually asked "Did you know yesterday was National Watermelon Day when you wrote your blog?" Ah, nope. I'd no idea that every year on August 3rd the US celebrates the Watermelon. I didn't know but the Holy Spirit did. You could put it down to a freaky coincidence but I'd rather attribute it to the Spirit's sense of humor. It appears that He likes to be in all parts and details of our lives - not just the serious ones!

It's so easy in the hub bub of daily life to lose the ability to hear His still small voice. The gentle nudges on places to go; random thoughts of things to do; the left-field suggestions on how to solve problems; the reminders of people to pray for - these can all be set aside as we pursue our goals for the day. What wonders we miss!

This still small voice is the key to being able to hear, see and know your spouse and their needs. The Spirit knows them better than they know themselves. He delights in the intimate understanding that the covenant of marriage offers so why would He not lead us to timely, tender, perfect knowings of our spouse?

So take a moment to stop, breath and listen with anticipation for what the Holy Spirit will show you about your Beloved and yourself. 

Love and Marriage: Friends

We had a wonderful brunch today with three of Miss O's Godparents - our dear friends visiting from Paris, France and Belfast, Northern Ireland. The last time we were all together was for Miss O's baptism in October 2014, so today's meal was very precious.

We gathered around our well-loved table, pulling Miss O's highchair in tight so she wouldn't miss anything. As we were one chair short The Beloved perched on the little red ottoman making him resemble a hobbit. The spread was simple family style: sliced white crusty loaf nestled in a Provencal basket; four sheep cheeses met their end on a wooden board; a caprese salad with colorful heirloom tomatoes bathed in olive oil and balsamic; a platter of meats and a bowl of olives. Tasty, simple, pure.

Normal service had been resumed in our new home. Close friends feasting at the kitchen table.

The Church of Ireland marriage service liturgy states:

"In marriage husband and wife begin a new life together in the community."

It doesn't suggest that perhaps, maybe it might be a good idea for you to think about who you are going to walk out this marriage with. It doesn't hint that it's not great for any couple to be an island. It doesn't propose that you might possibly need others to keep you sane, faithful, married. Husband and wife begin their new married life in the community with other people. Period. 

Over the last 15 years we have found that we need community around us for our marriage to flourish and at times, to simply survive. We have friends that we both know and I have (need) my friends and The Beloved needs his. We have friends who are single, married, widowed or divorced; friendships that span over 20 years and new ones that are months old. 

We are blessed with soul mates; people who have been with us in the trenches and on the mountain tops. I'm not sure we deliberately chose those people. They're all very different from us and each other. Maybe that's why it works! It's not about comparisons, competitions or corrections - we're each others cheerleaders, coaches and cup bearers. As our friends love me and my family they woo me to keep going and to love more. 

Thank-you dear friends ... you know who you are!

Love and marriage: Sacrifice

Timothy and Kathy Keller wrote a book in 2013 called "The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God". Pulling together decades of experience in preaching on marriage, pre-martial preparation, couples counseling and a long marriage themselves; the Kellers pack this book with great wisdom.

Well, to be honest I know there is wisdom up to page 47. I got to 47 and couldn't get any further. It was there that Keller gets to the uncomfortable heart or secret of marriage:

"Do for your spouse what God did for you in Jesus, and the rest will follow."

This doesn't mean that marriage is a roll-over, subservient, oppressive regime. Rather in mutuality we give all of ourselves to the other. In unconditional love we do whatever it takes to create the way for our Beloved to be free, forgiven and fulfilled. We have the chance to daily chose the selfless pursuit of another's dreams and adventures. 

Something holy happens when both spouses choose to live sacrificially for the other. And honestly, it takes Holy interventions of grace, mercy, strength and love to make those choices. It's only as one desires and pursues the transforming work of the Holy Spirit can one hope be like Christ to their spouse. 

And it's this sacrificial choice that gives flesh and bones and breath to our precious marriage vows:

 I Lisa take you Richard to be my husband, 

 to have and to hold, from this day forward

 for better, for worse, 

 for richer, for poorer, 

 in sickness and in health, 

 to love and to cherish, 

 till death us do part, according to God's holy law.

 This is my solemn vow.  

May God grant you the grace, strength, joy and courage to live a sacrificial marriage.

Love and Marriage: Kindness

Thanks to an amazing gang of friends our house move and the pre-painting adventures all went swimmingly well. We are SO thankful!!

Unfortunately Miss O caught a summer cold at the end of last week and by Sunday morning there was snot everywhere and one very unhappy baby. Given that one of the great gifts of family life is One Up All Up, we're all exhausted.

I don't know about you but I am a grump when I'm tired. My fuse is short and my tongue is sharp. It's really not pretty. The Beloved, he goes quiet but with the potential to be patronizing and Miss O shouts at anything and everything and wants to watch Peppa Pig all day. It can all be a lethal combination!

It seems that at such times affection, romance, adoration take a vacation. There's no heady rush of hormones that scrambled your lovestruck brain to keep you choosing your spouse. In fact it's probable that you won't like them very much at all when you are both exhausted and not acting nor looking your best.

This is when we must cultivate the habit of kindness. We get to practice taking a breath to stop us speaking harshly or carelessly. We get to consider the Other's feelings as well as our own. We get to recall that our Beloved's entrusted their tender hearts to us and we must hold it like water.

My prayer is that kindness is my daily habit - because I know I'll have many more opportunities to choose to be kind to The Beloved!

Love and Marriage: Embracing Change

We're all a lot older than we used to be ... gravity has encouraged a southward tilt of the mouth; the cracking knees and expelling of breaths provide the soundtrack to daily rising and falling; and books seem to have smaller and smaller text.

I was 21 when I met The Beloved and he was 20. It took us 6 years to get down the aisle - we were young, full of passion and desire to make a career and live life to the full. Marriage seemed to signify none of those things. Putting your proverbial eggs in one basket early on was one heck of a risk. Little did I know that whenever you choose a life partner it's the same level of risk.

Turns out I need not have worried about choosing one man. We joke that I have never needed to have an affair because I've been married to 5 different men. The Beloved today is not the man I married. Indeed a few days, months, years into marriage he was different. As was I.

The challenge seems to be to choose, work, desire to still love in the midst of inevitable change. Trusting that your spouse will keep choosing, working and desiring love too.

Marriage is the perfect place to stay young, live full of passion and drive, find fulfillment and  adventure. The trick is chasing those things together, as one flesh. It's a privilege to have a ring side seat to watch another humanoid come home to themselves. It's an honor that no matter the changes they need you to share in the daily breaking of bread where together you are redeemed, refreshed and renewed.

August 7th, 2000

August 7th, 2010

Love and Marriage: The Flowers

I loved my wedding bouquet - it was full of beautiful dramatic stargazer lilies and dotted with thistley eryngium as a nod to our Scottish courtship.We were married in a church that had aspirations to be a cathedral - so a large bouquet was in keeping with the space and the cathedral veil of my dress.

The bold, youthful stargazers were very 'us' in 2000. 15 years on my flowers would probably be more subtle with messages of tenderness and trust. There would still be whispers of our courtship and the odd nod to our daughter's exotic lineage. Here are some lovely bouquets I'd happily carry down the aisle.

 

Love and Marriage: The Gift of Difference

The Beloved and I met at Aberdeen University in 1994 and started dating within the month. I was 21 years old. It won't be long before I'll have lived longer with R in my life than without him. That's cool and kinda scary too.

We were an unlikely pair back then - one of our best friends who knew each of us since 1992 still can't believe we are dating never mind being married for 15 years! I think it's because we are just so different. I'm an extrovert, he's an introvert; I love music and performing, he marches to his own beat; I'm a worrywart, he's a optimist that "It'll be alright". And the list could go on ...

Differences between partners is a good and healthy part of marriage. You need your spouse to tilt the scales back when you give something more weight than it's due. You need your spouse's height to see that mountain for the molehill that it is; you need their history to know that all will be well and all manner of things will be well. I need the Beloved to call me to mercy when judgement pulls at my mind, heart and soul. The differences between us gifts not threats.

There will always be things you'll want to change about your partner but before you go pursuing a renovation remember that they're your other half. You need them to be who they were essentially created to be so you both can be whole and flourish.

So join Billy Joel and sing it loud "I love you just the way you are."

Don't go changing to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore

I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times; I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care

I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you?

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are

Published by
Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Love and marriage: Saying yes to the dress

I got married in August 2000 - a great year for being able to easily work out how many years you've been wed! A downside - Pinterest wasn't invented. I would have spent hours pouring over dresses, flowers, invitations and decorations.

This Love and Marriage blog series is my chance to indulge my Pinterest wedding dreams. Today - the dress:

Love and Marriage: Romance

One of the great challenges in marriage is how to keep the romance alive. Demands on your time from family, work, friends, fitness, can mean quality time just you and your spouse can get squeezed. It was a big shock to our romantic system when Miss O arrived after 13 years of marriage! That is a long time to be a two and then a three - with the new one determining A LOT of what the first two can and cannot do!

A bit like staying together (and terribly un-Hollywood) - romance seems to be a choice. One has to choose to make the time to romance your spouse. It takes great effort when you are already exhausted to get dolled up, put on some fancy gear and flirt with someone you know you're definitely going to sleep next to that night. Nurturing intimacy takes imagination and creativity.

When we move house I want to set up a romantic night for the Beloved and I in the yard. A rug, some popcorn, lots of candles, a bottle of vino and a favorite movie would be an inexpensive yet intimate evening at home (so no need to pay a babysitter!). You see, outdoor movies are events that only happened in movies when I was young. Now I live where the weather permits such activities! Here are some backyard movie ideas that are perfect for love! Happy Romancing at Home!

Love and Marriage: Staying together

The Beloved and I are married 15 years next month! Wow! Where did the time go? We've had our share of amazing, ordinary and down-right awful times but there is no-one else I would want to be on this adventure with than my Beloved.

In the run-up to our anniversary I thought it would be fun to have a few posts about weddings, marriage and love.

We enjoyed a wonderful wedding day - full of family, friends and laughter. Honestly, it exceeded all my expectations - it was so beautiful. We were married in St Malachy's Parish Church, Hillsborough, Northern Ireland - fulfilling my childhood dream of getting married in a church with a long driveway!

I'm not sure if The Beloved and I would ever formally renew our wedding vows - recreating any part of that August day would be difficult. Rather each year on our anniversary we sit quietly together and one of us asks "Will we give it another year?" With an echoing "We will" our vows are renewed before each other and God. It reflects the reality that staying together is an annual, monthly, daily, hourly, choice.

Marriage seems to be an invitation to repetition. I don't mean in the 'Take out the trash honey!', 'Watch the child, babe!', 'Pay the bills, darling!' kinda way.  I mean in the 'I will choose you', 'I will choose us'; 'I will choose you',  'I will choose us' kinda way. With repetition comes familiarity, confidence and second-nature proficiency that opens a space for being fully known, accepted and loved. A space where we can be home.